thankshalott (thankshalott) wrote,

don't know what to write so i will write my FEELS

I'm going back to university tomorrow.  Or maybe the next day or the day after that.  I've pretty much been doing this for a week - putting it off and stringing out my time at home with my family.  I'm pretty much at the end of my degree now and I'm beginning to be certain that it was a bad choice for me.  I decided to go for the wrong reasons - I thought it would please people like my family (who are fantastic, and basically want me to be happy and fulfilled in whatever I do, and would definitely have been fine with me putting off going to uni or not going at all so long as I was happy) and all my friends were going.  The strange thing is I was so sure that it was what I wanted too but I don't think I'm fulfilled by academia at all, or at least not the subject I chose to study.  Even though I love literature, I think I need something more long term to aim towards.  Maybe I should have done a more media based degree, or not gone at all and got some work experience to find out what I can cross out and move on from.

I suppose at the moment I'm just feeling like I've wasted three years of my life, and now I'm too old to achieve what I want to achieve (which is what exactly?!)  But I've been feeling like that since I was fourteen.  The fear that I've left things too late has stopped me from trying things for eight years!  Imagine what I could have done in eight years!  I could have learned to speak french, or how to build my own computer, or how to sing properly.  

I'm going to choose not to see my degree as a waste of time that won't lead to a job (because I fucked it up, not because literature degrees are bad or anything) but something I had to do in order to get to the point in life that I'm at now.  It wasn't a waste, but a way of crossing out something I used to think was an attractive possibility for me.  This may well have happened if I studied journalism, or worked as a runner or lived in italy or whatever else I could have done.  

So I'm going to try and move on.  No more wasting time and being negative.  No more looking to the past and wishing I could change it.  By this time next year I'm going to have made some significant steps in moving towards a more positive version of myself.

/the kind of thing i usually write in my diary.
Tags: my feels
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