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thankshalott
I didn't get to sleep until 5am last night/this morning and have subsequently spent the day falling in and out of sleep and watching twin peaks.  being unconscious for half of it makes it much more confusing.  I have so much shit to do but I keep telling myself "it's ok, I'll do it tomorrow."

Well I really have to do it tomorrow or I am totally SCREWED.

(TW: Rape) if you could see yourself... you apparently wouldn't care
thankshalott
So I was at the cinema last week and saw this advert aimed at rape prevention.  


Trigger warning for rape below the cutCollapse )
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well, whoops
thankshalott
I put off travelling ANOTHER day.  It was actually my mum's idea because she didn't like the idea of me having to walk through town so late to a house with no food in or anything.  Sensible.  The only reason I was leaving it so late was because I wanted the rest of the day with my family because my mum and my dad both had the day off (they spent most of it getting very excited about a garden table, haha.)  Then I had a long conversation with my mum about post university life where I mainly just cried and went "I don't even know why I'm crying!"  A lot of my conversations are like this at the moment.  It's a funny sort of time in my life. 

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thankshalott
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  i've got to get the train later, back to uni, and i'm just panicking.  well i'm switching between "everything's fine, i'll get my work done, get my slightly disappointing degree then (hopefully) get any job that pays the bills while figuring out my next move" and "shit, my library fines are huge, i cant afford the bills, i cant do my work, i've messed everything up already and just want to regress to childhood."

i spoke to my mum about maybe postponing going back another day and she was basically like "you can't keep doing this, this isnt actually the real world you know, it's more like a holiday" and she's totally right.  i do need to go back.  i still don't really want to, but people have to do stuff they don't want to do constantly, and i don't think going back is going to be half as bad as i'm picturing in my head (which is pretty much "my lecturers break into my house in the middle of the night and murder me for being a terrible student, in an attempt to remain in a high position in the league tables.")

life could definitely be a lot worse.  i'm not pregnant (this is kind of my go to "at least you're not x" thing for when i'm feeling miserable,) i'm not ill, i have a good relationship with my family, i have awesome friends, i do actually have options even if i've not figured out what i want to do yet, i'm not impressed by 3d films or michael bay, there's a new quentin tarantino movie coming out this year etc etc etc.

but OH MY GOD LIFE IS TERRIBLE.

so i'll listen to don't worry be happy on repeat.

i wish i could pick a mood and stick to it.
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thankshalott
I really don't get the etiquette of LJ.  I pretty much feel like how my mum must feel every time she logs into twitter.

I'm a feminist but I'm not one of THOSE feminists
thankshalott

I’m a feminist but…

I don’t understand the women that choose to quantify the sentence “I am a feminist” with the assertion that they’re not “one of THOSE feminists.”   You know what I mean - “I’m a feminist, but I’m not one of those feminists that doesn’t shave their legs, and I don’t burn my bra, and I’m not a lesbian, and I don’t hate men!!!!”  Um, congrats?  

I don’t really see why it’s such a terrible thing for someone to think that you might not shave your legs.  It’s jut leg hair.  I don’t believe that it’s a totally free choice whether a woman shaves her legs or not.  The judgement for not doing it is too harsh.  When Lady Gaga can walk down a red carpet with a lustrous coat of fuzz adorning her calves and it’s not commented on as being some crazy publicity stunt, that’s when it’ll be a totally free choice.

Shut up about bra burning.  Even when it actually happened, it didn’t even fucking happen.  I know it’s more of a symbolic term, but it seems to exist to make a certain kind of feminism (namely the ones who “can’t take a joke,” the lesbians and the hairy legged who everyone seems so keen to distance themselves from) sound silly and extreme.

“I’m a feminist but I’m not a lesbian.”  All this begs is, “what’s wrong with being a lesbian?”  Why do you want to distance yourself from lesbian feminists?

“I don’t hate men.”  Who said you did?  Feminists don’t hate men.  We hate misogyny.

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don't know what to write so i will write my FEELS
thankshalott
I'm going back to university tomorrow.  Or maybe the next day or the day after that.  I've pretty much been doing this for a week - putting it off and stringing out my time at home with my family.  I'm pretty much at the end of my degree now and I'm beginning to be certain that it was a bad choice for me.  I decided to go for the wrong reasons - I thought it would please people like my family (who are fantastic, and basically want me to be happy and fulfilled in whatever I do, and would definitely have been fine with me putting off going to uni or not going at all so long as I was happy) and all my friends were going.  The strange thing is I was so sure that it was what I wanted too but I don't think I'm fulfilled by academia at all, or at least not the subject I chose to study.  Even though I love literature, I think I need something more long term to aim towards.  Maybe I should have done a more media based degree, or not gone at all and got some work experience to find out what I can cross out and move on from.

I suppose at the moment I'm just feeling like I've wasted three years of my life, and now I'm too old to achieve what I want to achieve (which is what exactly?!)  But I've been feeling like that since I was fourteen.  The fear that I've left things too late has stopped me from trying things for eight years!  Imagine what I could have done in eight years!  I could have learned to speak french, or how to build my own computer, or how to sing properly.  

I'm going to choose not to see my degree as a waste of time that won't lead to a job (because I fucked it up, not because literature degrees are bad or anything) but something I had to do in order to get to the point in life that I'm at now.  It wasn't a waste, but a way of crossing out something I used to think was an attractive possibility for me.  This may well have happened if I studied journalism, or worked as a runner or lived in italy or whatever else I could have done.  

So I'm going to try and move on.  No more wasting time and being negative.  No more looking to the past and wishing I could change it.  By this time next year I'm going to have made some significant steps in moving towards a more positive version of myself.

/the kind of thing i usually write in my diary.
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